ACA Is Here To Stay
Kamesen: *sitting on the couch, whittling a stick with a butter knife* The jig is up, the news is out, they've finally found me..
Television: *turns on*
Trump: *on TV* OBAMACARE IS DEAD
Kamesen: *continues whittling, while mumbling the rest of the tune because he can't remember the lyrics*
Trump: HEY
Kamesen: Hmm-mm mm-hmm, waaanted maaan
Trump: PAY ATTENTION TO ME
Kamesen: *whistles poorly*
Trump: I'm... dying..
Jeremy Irons: *runs up* YOU SEE; HE ADMITS IT.
Kamesen: Alright SETTLE DOWN. *looks at the stick he was whittling. It is a mangled remnant of its former self* .. *throws it out the window* Alright what's.. what's going on. Inform me. Through the eyes of a dim-witted, braggadocios, sociopathic sycophant.
Trump: Those words are big.
Kamesen: I looked them up.
Trump: ...
Kamesen: *stares at him*
Trump: ...
Kamesen: *starts spelling his own name in belches*
Trump: Oh I remember. OBAMACARE IS DYING!
Kamesen: Just because you say it's so doesn't make it so.
Trump: Yeah it does!
Kamesen: *shakes head*
Trump: It doesn't?
Kamesen: No.
Trump: Then.. all those times I said that everybody loves me..
Kamesen: You're lying to yourself.
Mario: *suddenly pops up from a couch cushion* What'd I miss.
Kamesen: Trumpy is trying to make everyone believe that the ACA is dead.
Trump: It is!
Kamesen: Is not!
Trump: *voice breaks* IS TOO
Mario: Ohh I'm outta' hurr *sinks back down into the couch*
Kamesen: Oh no ya don't *yanks him back up by the suspenders*
Mario: *flails*
Kamesen: *slaps a beer in his hands*
Mario: Yaaaay
Trump: Can I have one
Kamesen: Only if you admit that the ACA is at least moderately functional.
Trump: NEVER. It's BAD and WRONG and I'm gonna REPEAL it.
Kamesen: Nrrrgghh *grapples with his own face*
Princess Peach: *smashes through the ceiling and lands on the floor in a heap of debris and dust*
Kamesen: Holy crap!
Mario: *spits up beer* NO MY BEER
Kamesen: *jumps up* Peach what happened!?
Peach: *strained* My parasol broke mid-gentle float.
Mario: *throws a mushroom at her*
Peach: *1-up* Whew. Thanks. *stands up* I was gonna say something.
Trump: Hello you're very fit; so lovely.
Peach: *stares at him* I will rip out your- *censored dialogue for several seconds*
Trump: Your nasty.
Mario: *You're
Kamesen: ..
Peach: Anyways.. the ACA does need adjustments. But in the meantime, millions are insured and thousands of lives are saved.
Trump: ..
Kamesen: He's a little slow on the uptake.
Mario: Slower than you?
Kamesen: ...............Shaddap.
Peach: What I'm saying is, thousands of people rely on medicine and treatment provided by the ACA, because their ailments are caused by pre-existing conditions and-
Trump: *eyes glaze over*
Kamesen: You're losin'im.
Peach: THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE IF YOU REPEAL THE ACA.
Trump: ... *glances at wealthy republican donors*
Donors: *rub their fingers together $$$*
Trump: Uh.. well, you know, Mexicans.. this is their fault. And I have to repeal the ACA.. because North Korea.. and the defense budget..
Person: *runs in* Those 'dying people' are lazy and just want handouts; they should work hard like me and get a job.
Kamesen: Do you know what it feels like to be dying?
Person: ..
Kamesen: It.. SUCKS. *slowly brandishes knife, approaches person* Here I'll show ya.
Peach: KAMESEN.
Kamesen: G- uh.. *turns and pretends to cut a hard pretzel with clumsy sawing motions*
Person: ...
Kamesen: .. *the pretzel snaps, making him flinch*
Peach: *flops down onto the couch* He's right though. People who have the luxury of not suffering from a chronic illness or terminal condition just don't understand how important it is to be provided with life-saving support.
Mario: *looks at the taxpayers* You're HEROES!
Person: Why can't we just let the sick people die so that we don't have to take care of them.
Kamesen: GRKGJFJF- *whips around, looking for a new weapon, grabs butter knife*
Peach: KAMESEN.
Kamesen: *just stands there unblinking, holding the knife, breathing deeply with his mouth open, teeth bared*
Mario: Well that's creepy.
Rand Paul: *runs in* Let's just do MY plan!
Kamesen: *hisses violently*
Kurenai: *drops down from the ceiling and stabs Kamesen with an ambiguous hypodermic needle*
Kamesen: ............*collapses, breaking a table*
Rand Paul: Anyway. My plan.
Mario: What's your plan.
Rand Paul: Well first, we gotta repeal the ACA.
Person: I'M on board with THAT!
Mario: SHUT. UP.
Person: *frowns really hard*
Peach: So, millions will still lose their insurance.
Rand Paul: Not to worry! They can just sign up again under the NEW plan! Possibly!
Kamesen: *suddenly on his feet again*
Kurenai: *screams*
Kamesen: ...*eyes her*
Kurenai: *keeps screaming, horrified*
Rand Paul: ...
Kurenai: *abruptly stops* Sorry. *scratches the corner of her mouth with her pinky, clears her throat*
Kamesen: *looks at Rand* What guarantee do we have that the soulless industrial U.S. health insurance companies aren't going to leap at the opportunity to screw people over by making the transition as needlessly complex as possible, like they did when the ACA was implemented.
Rand Paul: ...None whatsoever.
Kamesen: So why not just bring your ideas to the dems and work with them on improving the current plan?
Rand Paul: *glances at wealthy republican donors*
Donors: Would be a shame if your kid got run over by a yacht.
Rand Paul: *swallows nervously, adjusts collar*
Kamesen: Hey- *pushes past Rand and confronts the wealthy donors* Would any of you jerks know anything about all those dozens of Russian establishment critics who keep mysteriously dying of heart attacks and falling out of windows?
Donors: Scram, youse.
Kamesen: *bares teeth, eyes turn red, flips out switchblade*
Peach: KAMESEN FOR THE LOVE OF- *grabs him by the shirt and drags him away* You're gonna get yourself killed!
Kamesen: *barks defiantly*
Trump: We need to repeal ACA.
Kamesen: Why.
Trump: Because.
Kamesen: DIANA, POR FAVOR.
Wonder Woman: *backflips in, lassos Trump*
Kamesen: Now, Trumpy. WHY.
Trump: Because people who can't pay with money should pay with their lives!
Wonder Woman: Gross. And the wall?
Trump: Makes me feel like a big boy!
Wonder Woman: Double gross. *retrieves lasso*
Trump: You're lovely. In great shape.
Wonder Woman: Ok. You can stop.
Trump: If I wasn't married, you would totally go for me.
Wonder Woman: No, I wouldn't.
Trump: *laughs uncomfortably*
Wonder Woman: *stares at Kamesen* This is your leader?
Kamesen: *rubs his eyes, exasperated* ..Yes.
Wonder Woman: A poor choice.
Kamesen: Agreed.
Wonder Woman: Welp, peace. *crouches, then leaps away into the horizon*
Peach: Daaaaamn.
Kamesen: Don't say it.
Peach: You should ask her out.
Kamesen: I REALLY don't think I'm her type, Peachy ol' gal.
Peach: Don't call me that.
Kamesen: Yeah alright.
Trump: I noticed that you aren't paying attention to me.
Peach: *walks over and kicks the TV in*
Mario: !!
Kamesen: !!
Peach: What. It's tiring always pulling Kamesen from the brink of violence; I need to let off some steam.
Kamesen: Fair enough.
Peach: Nobody asked you.
Kamesen: ....
Samus: *rolls in, fixes TV*
Putin: *waltzes into the room*
Mario: The enemy!
Kamesen: *grabs sword* Ten seconds.
Samus: *aims arm cannon*
Peach: *looks around, grabs a radish and prepares to throw it*
Putin: Greetings, comrades.
Kamesen: I'm not your COMRADE, friend!
Putin: I'm not your FRIEND, guy!
Kamesen: I'm not-
Peach: ALRIGHT.
Putin: You should all listen to your leader. He is a wise and good man. *chuckles*
Trump: *appears on the TV again, beaming with pride* I'm the best boy.
Kamesen: *lowers sword* Alright alright we all know about Trump's 30-year ongoing relationship with Russian real estate goons.
Mario: And his penchant for choosing cabinet members who have similar Kremlin-y interests. ..In their interests.
Samus: And the recent fact that he buckled like a paper cup in a trash compactor when confronting Putin about the election interference.
Trump: False. Fake news.
Kamesen: Roll the tape.
Samus: *slaps the VCR*
(Trump: Did you do it?)
(Putin: No.)
(Trump: Good enough for me.)
(Putin: As a show of good faith, I will assign my best hackers- uh, cyber-security specialists, to..assist..your American technicians.)
(Trump: That's great. You're so great.)
(Putin: I know.)
Trump: *shrugs* I see no problem here.
Putin: There is no problem, indeed.
Kamesen: DOES NOBODY SENSE AN ISSUE WITH THIS!?
Person: Hah! Gonna cry, snowflake? Sweet sweet liberal tears.
Kamesen: *grabs person by the lapel and shakes him* YOU WILL NOT BE SPARED, YOU SADISTIC MISCREANT.
Person: I don't care if America goes to shit! As long as it makes stupid libtards upset, it's worth it!
Kamesen: I'M INDEPENDENT.
Person: You're a snowflake.
Kamesen: I'LL SNOWFLAKE YOU, YOU NEARSIGHTED, SLUG-BRAINED.. *looks around* WHERE IS SWORD. GIVE NOW. MUST KILL.
Mario: Peach, do something!
Peach: *filing her nails* Oh, uh. Don't stoop to their level; yadda yadda, rise above the hate and so on.
Samus: I think she's checked out.
Kamesen: *grasps sword, raises it high* RRRRGGGG
Person: So much for the tolerant left!
Kamesen: I'M. INDEPENDENT. UNAFFILIATED. LOOK AT MY VOTER REGISTRATION INFO; IT LITERALLY SAYS THAT.
Trump: Ooh, speaking of which, yeah I need everyone's voting records so I can uh.. make sure there's no fraud. And so I can share those records. I mean so they can be leaked. Accidentally.
Kamesen: *drops sword with a heavy clang, turns around slowly to stare wide-eyed at Trump* IT HURTS ME THAT YOU ARE A STUPID AND UGLY AGENT OF CHAOS INSTEAD OF A CUNNING AND CHARISMATIC AGENT OF CHAOS.
Trump: YOU'RE chaos!
Putin: Ooh, that reminds me. I gotta go make sure my uh.. helpful cyber liaisons are able to access your nuclear facilities. *runs away*
Kamesen: ... *plunks down onto the couch*
Person: Heh! Cry your.. independ..tard.. tears!
Kamesen: I do my crying on the inside, like anyone else who struggles with chronic depression and dissociative episodes.
Person: I can't get off to that.
Kamesen: Well then, I guess that makes me the winner.
Person: What!? No! I DEMAND that you cry! Be upset! FIGHT ME.
Mario: *hands Kamesen a Capris Sun* It has whiskey in it.
Kamesen: Thanks. *takes the delicious drink and sups upon it*
Person: ...FINE, I WIN.
Kamesen: *just keeps sipping on his drink* You've won a bleak future.
Person: NNNNOOOOOO *explodes*
Kamesen: *closes eyes as strawberry jam splatters the room*
Peach: *looks down at her dress* This is decidedly un-peachy.
Samus: *little window wipers pop down and clean her visor*
Trump: ...Nooo one's paying attention to me again.
Wealthy donors: Hey.
Trump: Yes.
Donors: Strip the funding from sex ed and teen pregnancy prevention, and put it all toward abstinence-only programs.
Trump: Done and done.
Kamesen: *eye twitches*
Donors: Also, keep working on shutting down access to abortion.
Trump: I'm on it.
Kamesen: *runs out of drink* ... *sucking up nothing but bubbles*
Mario: Uh-oh.
Peach: I ain't cleaning this up.
Kamesen: *stands, flips empty drink pack into the garbage*
Samus: Boost?
Kamesen: Toss me.
Samus: *picks him up and aims at the hole in the ceiling* Set?
Kamesen: *closes eyes* ...You may fire when ready, commander.
Samus: BLUE FORTY-TWO. BLUE FORTY-TWO. HUT HUT.. *winds up and hurls Kamesen into the stratosphere*
Kamesen: WHEEEEE.
--
Wealthy lobbyists/donors: *sailing around on their yacht*
Donor 1: So, we nix sex ed, birth control, abortion access, and gay adoption, leaving the country to slowly crash and burn under the burden of an ever-growing army of unwanted children.
Donor 2: Excellent. *hits a button* DEVOS.
Betsy DeVos: *appears on screen* YES.
Donor 2: Make sure the kids who somehow make it to college have no feasible way to pay off their crippling debt!
DeVos: CAN DO
Donor 3: Perfect. The next housing bubble will explode soon. And when the Russians sell off all their American-owned properties, the banks will implode. Followed by the nation.
Donor 4: Then we'll all move to Sweden!
Kamesen: BEASTY BOYS KNOWN TO LET THE BEAT.. *smashes through the entire structure of the boat*
Yacht: *sinks immediately*
Kamesen: *pops above the water's surface* What the hell!? *glances behind him*
Donors: *clinging to driftwood* HOW DARE YOU.
Kamesen: I thought I was just gonna bust through the ceiling and then have an angry discourse with you!
Donor 1: YOU BROKE OUR BOAT.
Kamesen: ...You broke our country. *swims for shore*
Donor 2: Come back here at once! ..We'll pay you!
Kamesen: *keeps on swimmin'*
Donor 3: Shit; he's invincible to bribery!
*A shark fin circles the wreckage*
Donor 4: Uh-oh.
Donor 1: We will pay you not to eat us.
The End
Epilogue-
Kamesen: *climbs out of the ocean* Hunh. Sea levels are still rising.
Person: Shut up with your liberal commie leftist.. fascist.. lies. It was cold in a certain region of the arctic last week, which proves you wrong.
Kamesen: *stares out to sea while wringing out shirt* Coral reef's almost dead..
Person: LIES. SOCIALISM.
Kamesen: *turns and looks at him* Didn't you explode before?
Person: ....AAAHHH *explodes*
Kamesen: *shuts eyes and purses lips as a sheet of candied yams and corn syrup slaps against him* ... *slowly wipes a hand down his face and slops aside a handful of mess, then stomps off squishily*
Ben Shapiro: *runs up* YOU seem easy to piss off! Debate me!
Kamesen: No.
Shapiro: Please; I need pageviews.
Kamesen: NO. *starts running*
Shapiro: GET BACK HERE; I HAVE MOUTHS TO FEED.
Kamesen: AWAY *jumps into the air and flies off*
Shapiro: COWARD! LEFTIST! MORON!
Kamesen: SCREW YOU; I CAN FLY! WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
--
Kamesen: *laying in bed, slowly flailing his arms* Hahahaaa.. wheeeee..
Mario: *standing in the doorway* ... *sighs*
KAMESEN VERSUS THE NEW NEW NAZIS
Mario: *yells out 2nd floor window* Kamesen get your ass up here!
Kamesen: HOW
Mario: I don't know. Stairs!? Dumbass!?
Kamesen: ... *just starts barking at him*
(soon)
Kamesen: *sitting on the couch, drinking beer through a straw*
Mario: *stares at him*
Trump: *appears on TV* Hi
Kamesen: BLRNFJFH *spits beer out his nose*
Mario: Whaddayou want.
Trump: Good news; there's no investigation against me. Anymore.
Kamesen: I'm pretty sure there is; it's just woefully underfunded and you keep firing everyone who is doing the investigating. Not like the investigation against Hillary, for being a woman.
Trump: No it was emails Benghazi!
Kamesen: Yeah I know but because- ah forget it.
Peach: *kicks down the door*
Trump: Aaah!
Peach: *stomps over* What the f(tire screech)ck is going on!?
Mario: Is it wrong that I'm really turned on right now?
Kamesen: *punches him in the stomach*
Peach: Kamesen, switch channels!
Trump: Nooo I need constant attention-
Kamesen: Bye loser *throws remote at the tv*
Remote: HONK
(TV shows Richard Spencer and his stupid smug smile standing with a bunch of other oafs, holding torches in front of a statue of some confederate jackass)
Kamesen: What
Spencer: You can't erase us. We are preserving our history.
Kamesen: It'll still be in the history books that whoever that is fought for making it so that black people were nothing more than property. Worry not your little heads over that. In the meantime, ditch the statue.
Indiana Jones: *runs in* It belongs in a museum!
Kamesen: A racist museum. Of racists.
Spencer: You can't erase us! We are conquerors!
Mario: Pretty sure the confederacy was conquered, and most of these statues and monuments went up afterward as a way of saying 'We will never forget that these asswipes tried their best to make it so that black people would never be regarded as humans'.
Person: That's not what it was about!
Spencer: *whispers* Uh, yeah it was actually. We're kind of trying to bring that back. Hence the torches.
Peach: Wait didn't I beat him half to death with a frying pan last time?
Spencer: Ha! You can't stop me this time! I have friends! Racist, ignorant friends with confederate flag tattoos!
Kamesen: Pff. You want another civil war? We'll cream you again.
Spencer: *smirk* Whose side do you think the president will be on this time?
Kamesen: ..........
Trump: Hey why ISN'T there a White History Month?
Kamesen: ............Oh.
Putin: Ooh boy *rubs hands together*
Kamesen: Ohhh.. ok. I see where this- aaah. Yes. It's all coming together. Right.
Mario: I'm scared, Kamesen.
Kamesen: Me too.
Peach: How do you think the rest of us, who aren't straight white guys, feel?
Kamesen: Noted.
Mario: ...That's it? That's how this post ends? That is like extremely depressing, man.
Kamesen: Well, we live in depressing times. Plus I got depression.
Peach: *looks at him* Say.. having a girlfriend would cheer you up.
Kamesen: *quietly looks at her*
Mario: Ooh.. *cringes*
Trump: *reaches outside the TV set and turns himself off*
(soon)
Peach: *strapped to a rocket in the backyard* WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS
Kamesen: *strikes a match* This will help you learn.
Mario: *busts through the back door* Kamesen shouldn't you do something about the Nazis!?
Kamesen: Oh yeah. *takes Peach off of the rocket and straps himself to it instead* TO THE WHITE HOUSE. AWAY.
(the rocket shoots off into the sky)
(five seconds later)
Spencer: I am donating this statue of General Reginald G. Whipcracker III to the White House lawn.
Trump: It's beautiful. Great statue. Great man. The best.
Kamesen: BEASTIE BOYS KNOWN TO LET THE BEAT- *smashes into the statue, exploding it into dust*
Spencer: NO!! *cries* You erased history!
Kamesen: *stands up, dusts himself off* Ask any black person what they think of slavery. Boom, instant history lesson.
Spencer: But we're conquerors.
Trump: Yeah
Putin: Yeah!
Kamesen: NO. The days of conquest and enslavement and all that bullshit is over! And honestly, morally, it never should have happened! But it did, and now you can go to the library and read about it, and we don't want it happening again, so we're not having any statues of the men who were of that ideology looming over us!
Spencer: But.. white people are superior.
Kamesen: I'LL SHOW YOU SUPERIOR *handcuffs him to Putin*
Putin: *screams and flails* Eeeww I'm not gay I'm not gay!
Kamesen: *handcuffs Putin to Trump*
Trump: Nooooooo!
Kamesen: *carts them away to a museum*
Spencer: I can't conquer anything from in here!
Kamesen: You can.. conquer Putin's rampant homophobia.
Spencer: But.. I'M homophobic!
Kamesen: Too bad.
Trump: Well I like this because my need for constant attention will be fulfilled by museum patrons.
Kamesen: Good for you.
Museum goer: *walks up to Kamesen* Hey, is there a 'white history' section?
Kamesen: *smiles broadly* As a matter of fact.. we just opened one.
Spencer: WAAAAAHHHH
THE END
Stop that, you idiot!
Mario: *sitting on the couch, shoveling beer nuts into his mouth with reckless abandon*
Princess Peach: *walks in* Kamesen, why don't you have another girlfriend yet?
Kamesen: *wordlessly drops the controller, picks up a hammer, and starts smashing the game system*
Mario: Uh, maybe you should-
Kamesen: *screaming*
Mario: MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP ASKING HIM THAT QUESTION.
(soon)
*everyone is staring at the busted system*
Kamesen: I raked leaves all summer to buy that..
Peach: *looks at him* You're a service engineer.
Kamesen: Shut up.
Peach: No.
Mario: Well, I guess we can watch the news.
Kamesen: *looks at the camera, sighs* I GUESS so.
Mario: *clicks the remote*
Remote: Honk
Senator: Ms. Yates, have you ever leaked classified or unclassified information to the press?
Sally: No. Also, you can't leak unclassified information, dumbshit.
Senator: *starts crying*
Kamesen: Ahahahahah!
Mario: Classic. *changes channel*
Trump: Hi.
Kamesen: Uuurghhhh *claws at own face*
Peach: *throws up*
Trump: Uh, my new health care bill. Super Freedom Great Law Bill.
Mario: What's it do.
Trump: It's the best.
Mario: WHAT'S IT -DO-.
Trump: It heals everyone.
Peach: If by 'heals everyone' you mean cuts taxes to the rich, and denies coverage to millions of people, including veterans, then yeah.
Trump: N-..naah, naah.
Kamesen: We do not want this.
Trump: Yes you do.
Kamesen: NO WE DON'T.
Trump: Yea you do!
Kamesen: I've been gaslit before, Trumpy. You ain't pulling this sh(car horn)t on me.
Trump: What's a gaslit. Is that a Pokey-man?
Peach: *rubs eyes* Hhhh. God..
God: Yes my child.
Mario: Oh, hey. Smite this cretin.
God: You're not the boss of me.
Trump: Ha! God loves me!
God: Shut the f(bicycle bell)ck up, Donald.
Trump: *frowns*
Peach: What else is on your horrid agenda, 45?
Trump: My GREAT agenda. Uh, religious freedom.
Kamesen: Which religion?
Trump: Christianity. I mean-
Kamesen: Uh-huh.
Trump: Uh.
Kamesen: *narrows eyes*
Person: *runs in* Kamesen, it's unconstitutional to require employers to offer health insurance that covers birth control.
Ramón Salazar: *runs in* Unconstitutional.. isn't that a popular word these days..
Kamesen: It's unconstitutional to treat a woman's vagina as a clown car. Look, so long as no one's trying to hand out condoms at the altar, I think we're good.
Person: BUT- MY RELIGION.
Kamesen: Something tells me you could care less about religious freedom, and are more upset by the fact that people out there want to have sex while avoiding conception.
Person: Well. That bible story about the seed spilled on the ground..
Mario: *looks at the Boston cream donut he was eating, makes a sour face*
God: That story was about me telling one person to do a thing, and they didn't.
Person: No, it was a parable meant to serve as an example for all mankind!
Kamesen: Oh, so NOW the Bible is a loose set of guidelines not meant to be taken at face value?
Person: SHUT UP.
Kamesen: No.
Albert Wesker: *runs in* Has it ever occurred to you.. that this planet is overpopulated!?
Kamesen: The madman makes a point. Dole out the birth control; it's not like you're dictating what people should do with it.
Person: No! If people don't want to have children, they just shouldn't have sex!
Kamesen: Hey if that's how you wanna live, f(buzzer)ckin' go for it. But trying to manipulate that particular facet of people's lives is akin to.. a certain extremist group of people we're currently fighting overseas.
Person: I'm NOT like them! You're just trying to justify all the SEX you're having, mister!
Kamesen: *spits up a mouthful of coffee, laughs hysterically*
Person: ...What.
Kamesen: *can't even answer because he's laughing too hard*
Person: /What./
Kamesen: *falls out of his chair, shoulders shaking, breathlessly wheezing with laughter as tears roll down his cheeks*
(two seconds later)
Kamesen: *strapped in the back of a speeding ambulance, still laughing hysterically*
Peach: *sitting aside, glaring quietly*
Mario: *snorts, starts chuckling*
Peach: *looks at him*
Mario: ...
Person: I still don't understand what's so funny. He doesn't have sex? Why is that funny?
Peach: *closes her eyes* Shut.
Person: ...
Peach: Up.
Person: ...
Mario: *turns his head and covers his mouth, still trying not to laugh*
Peach: ...
Person: ...See, abstinence-only education is what God intended-
Peach: *opens eyes*
(one second later)
Person: AAAAHHH *goes sailing out the back of the ambulance, hits the ground, bounces a few times and smashes into a wall*
Kamesen: *still laughing*
(ambulance pulls up to hospital. Peach kicks the gurney out the back and it goes careening down the hall, Kamesen laughing the whole way)
Kamesen: Aaahahahahahahah! Aaahahah! *rolls to a stop beside a nurse*
Asuka: *turns around, holding a clipboard*
Kamesen: *abruptly stops laughing*
Asuka: ...
Kamesen: ...
Asuka: ...
Kamesen: ...
Asuka: *walks over to a record player*
Kamesen: *watches apprehensively*
Asuka: *puts the needle on. 'Blue Velvet' starts playing*
Kamesen: *eyes widen*
Asuka: *turns to face him again, holding a scalpel in one hand and a balloon animal in the other. 'Blue Velvet' decreases in pitch and speed as she walks toward him*
Kamesen: *lets out a bloodcurdling yell-
(soon)
Kamesen: *rocking really fast in a rocking chair on a porch, brow furrowed, intensely drinking a Capri Sun*
Mario: *runs up* Hey, man. What's 'shaking'?
Kamesen: *glances at him, goes back to staring into the distance*
Mario: Aaaah, nuts. *kicks a rock*
Samus: *flies down in her ship, jumps down, blasts a few creatures off the side of the house and jogs up* Hey.
Mario: Yo-oY.
Samus: *nods to Kamesen* What's with him.
Mario: *grunts, shrugs, farts*
Samus: ...TO THE STASIS TUBE.
(soon, in Samus' ship)
Samus: *going hog wild on a control panel while Mario watches Kamesen float in the stasis tank*
Mario: *looks at Samus* You really have just your undies on under the suit?
Samus: Same as you have just your undies on under those overalls, you buttwiener.
Mario: *frowns*
Kamesen: *belches, blows huge bubbles*
Samus: STOPPIT
Kamesen: *paws at the glass*
Mario: I think he wants out.
Samus: I must finish my analysis.
Kamesen: *pokes his head out of the top of the tank* I'll save you the trouble. I got depression pretty bad.
Samus: Yeah but why.
Kamesen: Man, who knows.
Trump: *appears on a monitor* Hi.
Kamesen: *rolls eyes* Eugh.
Samus: How did you get this frequency, you hairless orangutan.
Trump: Nasty.
Peach: *runs in* I know you are, but what am I.
Trump: Nasty.
Peach: I know you are, but what am I.
Trump: Nasty.
Peach: I kn-
Samus: ALright alright alright, what do you want.
Trump: I'm signing an executive order to-
Mario: Oh, God..
God: Shh.
Trump: -to get rid of some of these useless organizations.
Samus: Such as?
Trump: The EPA.
Samus: Uh-huh. That, combined with your undying love of fossil fuels yields a dangerous and smoggy recipe for planet Earth.
Trump: Wha?
Person: *runs in* CLIMATE CHANGE ISN'T REAL.
Samus: *stares at him* ... *looks at another monitor* Hunh, look at that. Record high temperatures, melting ice caps-
Person: It's snowing in Antarctica!
Samus: Sea levels are still rising.
Person: ...So what!?
Peach: Oh man you better not play that game with Samus; you're liable to get a supermissile upside the head.
Mario: *very calmly eating a sandwich*
Kamesen: *reaches for sandwich*
Mario: *long, close-mouthed squeal*
Samus: Alright. Look. Even if we ignore climate change, it's important to shift from reliance on fossil fuels and embrace renewable energy technology.
Person: Why.
Samus: Because air pollution contributes directly to infant mortality, you ASS.
Person: We'll just use clean coal!
Samus: ... *slowly closes her eyes and breathes, counting backwards from ten*
Kamesen: My toes are gettin' wrinkly.
Person: MAGA! Jobs! Drill! Pipelines!
Kamesen: Can I get out n-
Samus: *aims arm cannon, blasts person into another dimension*
Peach: Holy crap!
Mario: *coughs up half a sandwich*
Kamesen: Aw, I wanted to.
Samus: Next on the agenda.
Trump: ......
Samus: NEXT.
Trump: Uh, er. Net neutrality is bad.
Kamesen: Bad for who?
Trump: Americans.
Samus: *hits a button*
Trump: *electrocuted* ALGLVNGKGKGNFN
Kamesen: Try again. The truth, this time.
Trump: It is bad for Verizon and Comcast profits.
Kamesen: Thought so.
Trump: No! Regulation is bad! It hurts the little guys!
Kamesen: Verizon and Comcast are not the little guys. *hops out of the tank* Lightning round. Why are you trying to roll back declarations regarding national parks.
Trump: We can drill for more oil there.
Kamesen: Holy crap. You know animals live there, right?
Trump: What's an 'animal'.
Kamesen: I-.. *sighs* Next. Immigration.
Trump: Wall.
Kamesen: Solves nothing. We could solve the problem effectively and indefinitely by fixing the broken-ass citizenship system.
Trump: But the drugs.
Kamesen: Yeah walls don't stop cars on roads.
Trump: But I don't like that brown people come here.
Kamesen: *grits teeth, finger hovers over the button*
Trump: *cringes*
Richard Spencer: *runs in, Nazi-salutes Trump*
Trump: *frantically makes 'cut it out' motion*
Spencer: This is a white nation.
Kamesen: *blinks unevenly in an indication of severe exasperation* It is not and never has been.
Spencer: We conquered.
Kamesen: That's really not a good thing. Or anything to be remotely proud of.
Spencer: We built this great nation.
Kamesen: We paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
Spencer: A glorious parking lot.
Kamesen: With slave labor.
Spencer: Glorious slave labor.
Kamesen: ....
Mario: ...doonnn't it always seem to go..
Samus: Shh.
Mario: *clears throat*
Spencer: This nation belongs to us. We are conquerors
Kamesen: Peach, put him out of my misery.
Spencer: You can't do that! Free speech!
Kamesen: Oh, sorry. Peach, conquer this asshole.
Peach: With pleasure. *advances on him*
Spencer: *backs away* A.. a woman should know her place.
Peach: *pulls out a cast-iron frying pan* Oh, we're in MY kitchen now, Nazi boy.
Spencer: *screams, runs*
Peach: *cackles malevolently and gives chase*
Mario: *runs behind her* Seek! Seek! Kill!
Trump: ...
Samus: *polishes her arm cannon, whistles*
Trump: ..Nasty.
Samus: GO FORTH AND F(honk)CK THYSELF
*cut to credits and thrash metal, accompanied by the sound of a frying pan smashing against limbs and Richard Spencer screaming while Peach laughs maniacally*
45, you ass
Mario: *asleep on the couch, snoring while Trump drones on and on through the TV*
Kamesen: *runs up the stairs, kicks the door open* What'd I miss.
Trump: WALL
Kamesen: SHUT. UP. *points at Trump on the TV* EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR STUPID FUCKING MOUTH, I CAN FEEL MY BRAIN CELLS ATROPHYING. *looks over* Mario.
Mario: Zz-- hm? Oh sorry. *grabs the censor button*
Kamesen: Thanks. Now. Where the f(honk)ck was I.
Trump: Build my wall or I'll repeal the ACA!
Kamesen: You already tried that and it didn't work.
Trump: The ACA is so bad! So broken! Doesn't work!
Kamesen: Does it kill people?
Trump: What? No.
Kamesen: People will die if it is repealed.
Trump: Nuh-uh! I'll save all the people!
Kamesen: RrrRRGHH *clamps hands over ears* His voice is like a thousand daggers.
Mario: *stands on the couch, points at Trump* Your words are as empty as your soul!
Trump: False. Fake news. Buy my wall.
Kamesen: No one wants your wall! *grabs a megaphone* I SAY AGAIN. MORE MEXICANS ARE RETURNING HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES THAN ARE COMING IN TO AMERICA. BUILDING A WALL WOULD TRAP THEM HERE AND KEEP THEM FROM THEIR FAMILIES. YOU MONSTER.
Trump: Fake. False. Mexicans are crazy gun drug rapists. Everyone knows that.
Kamesen: Donald, we don't punish rapists here in America.
Mario: *wince*
Trump: BUY MY WALL.
Kamesen: No.
Trump: ..BUY IT OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT.
Kamesen: You'll shut down the government.
Trump: Uh-huh. That's right. 'Cause I'm STRONG.
Kamesen: You'll shut down the government, in the midst of a God-damn nuclear standoff with North Korea.
Trump: *whispers* Strong.
God: Someone call?
Kamesen: *looks at God* Blast me to Bermuda.
God: You don't deserve it.
Kamesen: SH(bleep)T.
Peach: *floats through the window on her umbrella* Hi.
Kamesen: Hey.
Trump: Ooh, hello beautiful. You're beautiful. Mm hmm.
Peach: *walks over to a potted plant and starts vomiting*
Kamesen: Can you please not hit on Princess Peach, you disgusting old man.
Trump: BUY MY WALL
Mario: Because your pee-pee is small?
Kamesen: *busts up laughing*
Peach: *laughing and vomiting at the same time*
Trump: *enraged* MY PEE-PEE IS THE BIGGEST.
Kamesen: YOU ARE SEVENTY. NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
Melania: Why do you think I stayed in NY?
Kamesen: About that. Please go.
Melania: Make me!
Kamesen: *snarl*
Peach: Allow me. *pulls out a golf club and approaches her* C'mere.
Melania: *screams and runs*
Peach: DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN!
Mario: *laughing his ass off*
Kamesen: Trump, your wife is being chased with a golf club.
Trump: Wife? Huh?
Kamesen: ...
Trump: Buy my wall.
Kamesen: YOU ARE NOT A BUSINESSMAN ANYMORE. YOU ARE THE.. THE P-rr.. ..p-pp-pppff.. puh-..
Trump: Parade? ..Parachute?
Kamesen: AW FUCK THIS *crouches, then jumps through the ceiling*
Mario: Aw crap *hits the censor button too late*
(meanwhile, in the Kremlin)
Putin: *going for the world's longest belch*
Kamesen: *smashes through the ceiling, landing on and crushing one of his guards*
Putin: BUUURRRP-- ack aw man. Ya messed me up.
Kamesen: YOU did this.
Putin: Got a total idiot psychopath elected to your highest government position?
Kamesen: Yes. How. WHY.
Putin: Easy breezy beautiful.
Kamesen: ..cover girl-NO. Talk, damnit.
Putin: Simple. A surprising amount of Americans think that Muslims and Mexicans are scaaAAaary. They think that intellectualism and science are the devil, and they are convinced that at some point, they lived in 'the good old days' where things were better than they are now.
Kamesen: You mean a time where they could make racist and sexist jokes and people were too afraid to tell them to knock it off.
Putin: Yes, dear boy. And so I delivered unto them a man who personified their deepest desires.
Kamesen: You magnificent bastard.
Putin: At best (for me), your country collapses in on itself and I swoop in to take over. Your alt-right conquerors white will be forever envious. And at worst.. Trump and his administration will set back the American economy, environment, infrastructure, and culture to levels that will take decades to repair. Either way, I come out on top. And the glorious part is, his supporters are too proud to admit that they elected a turbulent buffoon. They will forever deflect, insisting that Clinton would have been worse somehow.
Kamesen: I hate this. I hate all of this. You're really bringin' me down, man. I am like seriously depressed now.
Putin: *shrugs* That's the way the cookie crumbles, American pig-dog.
Kamesen: RRRGGH THIS AIN'T OVER! *turns, smashes through the wall just beside the door*
Putin: *sighs*
(soon)
Kim Jong-un: MY pee-pee is bigger.
Trump: MINE is!!!
Peach: *screaming ceaselessly at the tv*
Mario: *crying in a corner*
Samus: *fixing the ceiling*
Kamesen: *runs in*
Trump: MY PEE-PEE IS HUGE
Kamesen: *turns, flattens hand at the tv* SHYUTT. UP.
Trump: ...*frowns*
Peach: Beer me.
Kamesen: *rubbing his forehead agitatedly* ... *hucks a beer at her*
Peach: *sticks out hand, beer misses and goes sailing through a window*
Kamesen: I-.. I'm sorry.
Peach: ..S'ok. I'll just get one myself. *shuffles off*
Mario: You uh, feelin' ok there, pal?
Kamesen: I.. don't think so, no.
Trump: Buy my wall. It's the best. Such a big wall.
Kamesen: *turns head slowly, voice shaking with anger* Walls as a national barrier were rendered obsolete with the invention of dynamite.
Trump: False. Fake news. G-
Kamesen: AAAAHHH!!! *takes a baseball bat to the tv* AAAHHHHH!!! *standing over the wreckage, just bashing it repeatedly with vicious overhead swings*
Mario: Um-
Samus: Let him do it, man.
Mario: *shrugs, eats beer nuts*
Kamesen: AAHHHhh-- *drops bat*
Mario: Feel better?
Kamesen: *sniffling, wiping at eyes* He's so.. he's so stupid. He's just so /stupid/.
Samus: We know. *puts an arm around his shoulders and guides him to the door* Let's go buy a new tv. You'll feel better.
Kamesen: *sniff sniff* O-ok. Can we take the ship.
Samus: *smiles* Yeaah we can take the ship.
Kamesen: WOOHOO!
It's a brand-new day~
Mario: *answers, wearing a grimy tank top and a pair of mushroom boxer shorts. It looks like he hasn't shaved or bathed in a while*
Peach: Why don't I get a descriptor?
Mario: *clears throat* It looks like Peach hasn't shaved or bathed in a while.
Peach: Thanks. Where's Kamesen?
Mario: He's upstairs.
Peach: *gasp* You mean he's alive!? He SURVIVED!?
Mario: *whispers* Barely.
Peach: *knocks Mario over and races upstairs, barking the whole way*
Kamesen: *in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, wearing pajama pants and a 'Go to the Show' t-shirt*
Peach: *calls from the tv room* Are you decent!?
Kamesen: *spits up a mouthful of candy* .. *stares at toothbrush* No. *walks out into the room* Ayyy
Peach: You're decent.
Kamesen: Man, shut up.
Peach: What am I wearing!?
Kamesen: Your usual pink dress, hence the lack of descriptor.
Peach: Aaah. Anyway, it's been like two years. Give us an update. Fill us in.
Kamesen: Please don't make me say it.
Mario: *walks in, patting himself down absently as he is usually munching on something or sipping a beer* Ya gotta do it, man. *plops down on the couch and begins digging around the cushions in earnest* If we gotta live with this reality, so do you.
Kamesen: *sighs* Donald Trump is our Goddamn president.
Peach: What!?
Samus: *smashes through the wall* What!?
God: Wh- huh!?
Kamesen: It's the truth.
Mario: *unable to find any snacks, he slouches forward and stares brokenly at the blank tv* How did we let this happen?
Kamesen: Low voter turnout and Russian interference.
Trump: *runs in* FAKE NEWS. NOT TRUE. I NEVER SPOKE TO RUSSIA.
Kamesen: *aims revolver at him, pulls trigger. A small flame clicks from the end of the barrel* .... *eyes the flame* Ok who-
Trump: Listen. I'm a great president. The best. Everyone loves me. Women. Gays. I love gays.
Kamesen: Ohhh God.. *eyes roll back in head*
God: Nope. *vanishes*
Trump: I love God. Great guy. Such a good diety. The best.
Samus: *patching up the hole in the wall with spackle and a putty knife*
Peach: *glaring at Trump*
Mario: Uh-oh. *suddenly collapses and pretends to be asleep*
Peach: Trump, you've said horrible things to and about women. You've allegedly DONE horrible things as well.
Trump: Wrong. No. That's false. Lies. You're nasty.
Peach: ..*reaches over and throws Mario at him*
Mario: WW-AA-AA-aa OOUGHF!
Trump: MADNESS. TREASON. ARSON. NASTY. BEEP. BEEP. *falls down, weakly kicking his legs*
Peach: Jeez, I didn't hit him -that- hard.
Samus: It's possible that 45 didn't anticipate just how stressful and difficult running an entire country could be, and is slowly losing his mind.
Trump: *softly* Being president is hard. I need another vacation.
Kamesen: You've golfed every f(boat horn)cking weekend since your inaugerarion, you sociopathic sycophant!
Trump: *rocking himself on the floor, singing quietly* Donald is a nice boy.
Kamesen: No, he's not. You're actively tearing down all the progress that Obama made-
Person: *runs in* OBAMA DID BAD THINGS; STOP SAYING HE WAS PERFECT
Kamesen: *wordlessly picks up a fire extinguisher and beats the person to death with it*
Mario: Aaah that's our boy. *brushes himself off and hops onto the couch again; pulls a bag of 3D Doritos out and makes a huge smile at them*
Kamesen: *drops fire extinguisher noisily*
Samus: Destroyed.
Kamesen: I never said Obama was perfect. But he and his admin did some damn good for this country-
Person 2: *runs in* HE RAN IT INTO THE GROUND!
Peach: Ohhh dear. You might not want to-
Kamesen: *somehow snarls like a panther and leaps through the air, tackling the person to the floor* Are we in the ground right now? Are we? Is this the f(buzzer)cking apocalypse?
Person 2: ...*sweating* .....Yes.
Kamesen: *tears his head off*
Peach: *throws up*
Mario: Aw GROSS *pulls his feet up onto the couch*
Samus: Have you been working out?
Kamesen: *stands up* Naw it's just psychotic rage. ..*hands Peach a towel*
Peach: *deliberately leans forward and vomits on the towel*
Kamesen: *stares at his outstretched, puke-covered hand* ...
Trump: *still laying curled-up on the floor* ....
Kamesen: *pukes*
Mario: *pukes*
Samus: OH-KAY--
*Technical Difficulties sign while flowery music plays and Mario starts crying*
Samus: Aaand we're back.
Trump: *staring blankly at nothing* I'm.. a winner..
Kamesen: You're a piece of shit.
Trump: *softly* I'm the best piece of shit.
Kamesen: ...Yes you are.
Peach: Back to the topic at hand. *sitting on the couch next to Mario, scarfing lasagna off a plate on a TV tray*
Kamesen: You sure got your appetite back fast.
Peach: Gotta replace the carbs I lost.
Kamesen: *reaches experimentally for the lasagna*
Peach: *lion roar*
Mario: Can I have some
Peach: *nicely* Yes. *feeds him a forkful*
Kamesen: Ok where was I. Oh yeah. Trumpy and his cohorts are feverishly working on deregulating everything, so that corporate profits can reach an all-time high.
Samus: And quality of life for anyone who isn't wealthy will reach an all-time low.
Kamesen: Bingo, flamingo.
Samus: Don't.
Person3: *runs in* REGULATION IS /BAD/. DOWN WITH BIG GOVERNMENT!
Kamesen: *roundhouse kicks him in the head* Regulation is what keeps Lake Eerie from bursting into flame, and prevents dog food from containing sh(honk)t that poisons your dog. To name a couple.
Person3: SO WHAT. DOWN WITH REGULATION. I DON'T CARE IF I SUFFER. I JUST WANT DEMOCRATS TO SUFFER TOO.
Kamesen: *plants a foot on his neck* The truth comes out.
Person3: SHUT UP, YOU LIBERAL LEFTIE P-
Kamesen: *twists foot sharply, adopting Bruce Lee facial expression*
Mario: *belches*
Kamesen: Isn't someone gonna berate me for straight up killing my opponents?
Peach: Naah, we're cutting you a break. The last three years have been really rough on you.
Kamesen: Aww, that's sweet.
Samus: I have no idea how you endured the latter half of 2014 and the entirety of 2015.
Kamesen: Exorbant amounts of dissociation, extended bouts of depersonilization, and more compartmentalization than my wee little brain could handle on top of the gut-rotting anxiety and suffocating depression.
Mario: Dark.
Kamesen: Yeaaah it was a shitshow.
Peach: Oh, uh going back to killing your opponents though..
Kamesen: *cracks knuckles, winces in pain* Yeis?
Peach: Putin.
Trump: Putin; I love Putin, great guy, great leader, what a guy, such a winner.
Peach: SHUT UP. Putin /actually/ has his opponents killed.
Samus: Lot of that been happening lately.
Trump: *shrugs*
Kamesen: Yyyeaah.. coinciding with people coming forward to reveal more information toward the investigations into Russian connections and collaborations with Trump and his cabinet.
Trump: *shrugs so hard that he snaps his collarbone*
Trump: *starts screaming*
Mario: *covers his ears* STOP
Trump: *screams even higher*
Kamesen: Egh. *kicks him out the window*
Trump: AAEEEAAAHHHHRRHHH *goes sailing into the neighbor's yard, sound of glass breaking and a cat vomiting*
Peach: Moving on.
Kamesen: Paul Joseph Watson, Milo Yionoppoulos (sic), and their glorious leader, Stephen K. Bannon.
Mario: *combs his mustache* The self-proclaimed 'alt-right'.
Kamesen: Otherwise known as doggone actual freaking Neo-Nazis.
Milo: *runs in* No we're not!
Kamesen: Then why are you always going out of your way to paint Muslims in a negative light?
Milo: Because Islam is a cancer!
Kamesen: ...
Mario: *calmly puts comb away in a neat plastic case*
Samus: *polishes arm cannon*
Milo: ..So is feminism!
Kamesen: Ok, see, I can't tell if those are your actual ideals or if you're just trying to piss me off because it makes you feel validated.
Milo: I don't know anymore!
Kamesen: Well either way, we don't stand for that bullshit. So long, Gay Bowser.
Milo: I take offense to that.
Kamesen: Good. I mean bad. Whatever. *throws him into the neighbor's yard*
Trump: OW. TREASON.
Richard Spencer: *runs in* White people need to rise up and take back this land.
Kamesen: No, we don't. *goes to throw him*
Spencer: HAH! I prepared for this! *a muscle-bound body guard steps in the way*
Kamesen: Hmm. An obstacle. *snaps fingers*
Kurenai: Hup. *springs up from nowhere and slices the guy in half*
Mario: WOO YEAH *throws beer nuts excitedly*
Peach: *harsh whisper* WHERE did you get those!?
Spencer: Uh oh.
Kurenai: This is a nation rich in diversity. Always has been. I mean, since the Europeans forcefully took over. Anyway, that's that. Take your 'white power' bullsh(sproing)t and shove it.
Spencer: You-
Kurenai: OOOHHHHHHhhhh I hate it when they don't shut up. *throws him*
Spencer: The south will rise agaaaaaiiiiinnn.. *lands in jail. No one bothers to free him*
Kurenai: Nooo iiit woooon't..
Kamesen: Thanks for that timely intervention, Kurenai.
Kurenai: Any time. Hi Peach.
Peach: Hello.
Kamesen: I'm surprised/thankful you're not doing your usual gag routine where you faux-seduce me.
Kurenai: *polishing knife* Yeah, well, considering what you've been through, I figured I'd cut you a break.
Kamesen: *puts his hands on his hips* You know, that is so doggone sweet. Thank you.
Kurenai: *grunts*
Mario: I want more lasagna. *opens wide*
Peach: *turns, leans over, throws up in his mouth*
Mario: *flails, screaming*
Kamesen: Aaaahahahahahah!
Samus: *just shakes her head, but chuckles anyway and claps Kamesen on the shoulder*
Kamesen: *collapses*
Samus: Oops. Goodnight folk-
TV: *cuts on* NEEEWWWWSAAAAHHHH
Kamesen: *jumps up* WE ALREADY DID IT WITHOUT YOU SO SHUT THE /FUCK/ UP.
TV: ......*switches back off*
Kamesen: I want a shower.